PbyCj

I have learned that if I don’t write, I am hiding. And if I am hiding, I am not being open and honest with God and myself. And if I am not being open and honest with God and myself, I am not believing that God loves me and that He cares for me and that He is my refuge and my fortress. If I am not believing God then I am in sin.

Substance: Secret Sins of the Heart

I am not sure what happened but I have, somehow, forgotten all of the work that I have done and all of what I have learned about me needing to write. It is almost crazy, like I’ve been in this strange place not knowing what I am doing nor where I am going. But, I am here. Writing because I have snapped out of it or have been snapped out of it. I really cannot live my life without writing. I am tide to this— words on paper and screen. I stink when I don’t write. I don’t smell it at first but after awhile it starts to smell pretty bad. Others start to notice but they can’t really tell that I stink because I haven’t been writing.

My heart is what stinks. Writing is connected to my heart and when I don’t release what is in my heart, the things that have gotten in my heart starts to rot. It is one of the wildest things I have discovered about myself. My heart stinks, funky, bad smells when I don’t write.

Here’s how it works: life, things, words that I have experienced that I don’t deal with or don’t know that I need to deal with goes into the suppression box on the lower chamber of my heart — there is no air or ventilation in that box. Then more life, things, words and experiences happen and new suppression boxes get stacked on top of the first box. Next thing you know, I have a heart filled with tightly suppressed things that have been neatly compartmentalized. The thing is, what is inside of those boxes are “alive” but alive in a bad way like fungus or something.

After awhile those boxes start to smell really really bad. In real life it smells bad by having bad mental health issues, being exhausted, being depressed (unknowingly), out of the box eating habits, lost of purpose, lost of identity, lost of hearing and seeing. Having those suppression boxes in my heart has blocked me from hearing correctly, from following instructions, it causes me to be very slow at basic things. And, it causes me to live a life less than the life I am supposed to live. Why? Because faith is housed in my heart but it can’t be released because of the things that are preventing my faith to be released. I have been living with spiritual clogged arteries.

It is wild but there is so much more that I want to say about this whole heart and writing thing because I still cannot wrap my head around this phenomenon.