PbyCj

This morning, I had a quick moment to write. I didn’t have my journal with me as I was recording this. I don’t usually carry it around. I’m particular about what goes in each notebook, and I don’t want to write these raw reflections in something that I carry with me. There are certain things I just leave at home. But I hope that when I do get a chance to process and really deal with what’s on my heart, I’ll still be in this same mindset.

It wasn’t until yesterday—and really today—that I realized I’d shut off part of my heart. Not just closed it; it was like the shop was closed. I didn’t let love in, didn’t give it out. I knew I wasn’t living wholeheartedly, but I didn’t understand why or how that was happening. The heart is so interesting, so intricate. I need to dig deeper into this, to research and write more about it, because the more I grow, the more I see how fascinating it really is.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that I closed off parts of my heart because of past experiences and relationships. I didn’t let myself entertain love in any form; I’d become cold in that area. But, of course, everything’s connected, and cutting off love in one area blocks it in others. I wasn’t even fully open to receiving God’s love, much less letting it flow through me. Without knowing it, I had shut down that essential part of myself.

The heart, I believe, is where the real work happens. Mental health is only part of it. Focusing just on the mind is only doing half the work. This morning, as I read the Word and wrote a bit, I came across 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter.” It hit me hard that I’d been doing all the right things on the outside, but without love. I’d been living mechanically. No wonder certain things had become so hard for me, why I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted, why I felt stuck in ways I hadn’t before.

I see now that not believing in God’s love fully, not feeling worthy of it, or of the love God might work through others, shut me down. That’s a tough realization, but I see it: Faith works through love, and without being open to love, I can’t move forward as I should. I’d been so independent, trying to do everything myself, that I missed out on the things God had for me to help me grow.

I’m reminded of what happened when I was first honest about my heart’s condition back in 2021. I opened myself up, let God work through the tough spots, and trusted the process. That was a powerful year for me—I graduated, bought a new house, I was growing. But then, in 2022, I stopped doing the work, and I felt the impact of that. My marriage ended, I struggled to start my master’s program, and I even got kicked out of school. I wasn’t making the progress I was used to because I’d stopped doing the work on my heart.

Here I am, in 2024, moving into 2025. I’m thankful for God’s grace, that He doesn’t leave me even when I falter. He’s been patient, showing me love despite myself. There’s a lot here, so I’m closing for now, but I’ll be back to dive into this more deeply. This is the journey, and I’m grateful to be on it.