PbyCj

A Creative Non-Fiction Short Story 2018/2020

Happiness, it’s something that many strive for and over time I’ve looked at it as something to be studied. Almost like a soup with various ingredients. What’s the recipe for happiness and is it appropriate for challenging times? Well, when it comes to challenging times I know prayer is one of the key ingredients to the continuum of happiness. Throughout my life, I’ve known it to be true. Thinking of my great-grandmother, she was the mother of the church I grew up in and was known to be a praying woman. I can hear her say her famous words “love ya, love ya, love ya.” She passed away four years shy of a century old. She lived long enough to see five generations of her seed, she had approximately twelve children (could be more), and far too many grand, great-grand, and great-great-grandchildren to count. She had enough love for everyone. Her passing was almost a month before the first anniversary of the murder of my beloved brother. I was still fresh in the grieving process at that time. He was only 18 when his life was taken and I’m still not sure why or what causes someone to take someone else’s life. The comforting words my family used for my Great Grandmother’s passing were: “she’s resting now”, “she no longer has to suffer” or “she’s with God now.” The same could have been said about my brother but there weren’t any comforting words besides that his killer was caught, he turned himself in. Can’t run in a small town. 

My brother’s life was taken while he was home in his room by someone he graduated high school with, a life taken and a life lost. I didn’t spend much time with him, I joined the military when he was younger, and I had hoped to spend more time with him as he got older. I didn’t know him well enough to add dialog here. I just know the last thing I told him was to “take care of Mother” and that the day he died my husband and I were pre-approved for a home loan. Throughout that day all I could think about was “we’ll have enough room for my brother.” “He could come live out here in California with us.” To later get a phone call from our mother saying “He was shot. He was flown to the hospital. Can you call someone to give me a ride to the hospital?” Being hundreds of miles away from Louisiana, I helped as much as I could. I was optimistic because people recover from being shot all of the time, right? I was at an orientation to become a CASA member when I received a text message from my cousin saying, “he didn’t make it.” The first phase of grief, denial hit me hard. I rushed to call my mother, she was so calm over the phone, I didn’t understand why she was so calm when she just lost her baby boy. I could not believe such a thing happened to my brother and me. I spent, I’m not sure how long crying in the bathroom before letting the staffing know what happened. I had to calm down so I could drive back home.

There I was, towards the end of the Spring semester, finals were coming up, we moved forward with buying a house, and had to drive down to Louisiana all at once. I had to pray. There was no other way I would have survived that challenging time. My husband and I had just enough money to open up escrow and for food and gas to drive down to Louisiana to bury my brother. I also had to take my finals on the road with me. I didn’t mean to go in-depth on the back side of this story, however, I did fast and pray for 21 days and we survived. We made it to Louisiana and back home safely, we got the house, I passed all of my classes and I didn’t lose my mind during the grieving process. Although there isn’t a time frame for grief, I am mature enough to have grace with myself in this area. 

I was trying to get to the part where I would enter a state of self-reflection. During difficult times of losing loved ones, I would find myself pondering things like pain, suffering, grief, and the avoidance of these experiences. At the same time, I would try to understand happiness and the pursuit of it, or perhaps the recipe for happiness. 

I would reflect on painful experiences I’ve had in my life. Pain itself puzzled me, the different ways to experience pain, whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, and grief is a pain that can be felt at all levels. Though, losing loved ones is seemingly out of my control, this train of thought led me to think of the possibility of avoiding pain altogether. I had asked myself if I had the option to avoid all types of pain would I take it? My answer was no, I wouldn’t. I would not opt out of feeling pain, suffering, and grief. When I would try to think about happiness, I found that pain was always nearby. I thought that if I didn’t feel pain then happiness would have little to no value to me and if I avoid pain then I would be avoiding happiness as well. I would say, the more pain a person has felt increases the value of their happiness. I compared pain and happiness to sunshine and rain, the more it rains the more the sun is valued when it shines. Likewise, the more the sun shines the more valuable the rain is when it does rain. 

I no longer think this way. I’ve learned, along with prayer, an ingredient for the continuum of happiness is not to increase the pain that comes as a result of losing a loved one or any kind of negative experience but it is to endure—don’t give up— in such experiences if the situation arises. What if I had given up? Quit the semester, quit trying to buy a house, or even quit living my own life due to unfortunate circumstances? With prayer and by faith in God, I was able to push through instead of giving up or being defeated. Giving up would have been justifiable but I am so thankful I did not. I can honestly say I enjoy my life through different challenges because I learned how to endure.

Another ingredient for the continuum of happiness is forgiveness. I would not have been able to endure and push through the difficult time of losing my brother and having to still do other things in my life. I had to forgive the young man who killed my brother or else carrying unforgiveness would have been too much for me to bear. I also had to forgive myself for not doing more for my brother. Not being able to forgive ourselves and others when a wrong has been done is a sure way to be unhappy. The pain, anger, bitterness, and resentment that come from unforgiveness can keep a hurt sore open preventing its ability to heal. I am thankful I learned that lesson long before I had to truly use it when it mattered the most. Though reading this can seem easier said than done, it’s not an impossible task but a skill to be cultivated.

As my great-grandmother always said “Love ya, love ya, love ya” Love is another key I’ve learned to be an ingredient in the continuum of happiness. I know, I know it sounds like a cliché but it’s true. Because I felt as though I didn’t love my brother enough or I didn’t get to love him how I would have liked to, I purpose to cultivate it in my everyday life. I do not hold any limitations when it comes to loving other people. I feel no shame when showing love to a complete stranger. I have found that it is not only a beautiful way to live but it is indeed very powerful. People in this world are in need of love now more than ever and I spread it anyway I can. No amount of distance will hinder true fervent love.

During this time the world is filled with uncertainty, due to COVID-19. Being quarantined, the increase in self-awareness and the heightened intake of news, I am so thankful that over time I’ve learned solid ingredients to not only survive during challenging times but to continue my level of happiness through any situation or circumstance. Pray, endure, forgive, love. I’m sure there are a few more but these ingredients have not failed me. Keep moving forward.