PbyCj

“Hello Carla, I’m Dr. Traci Plantu. I am delighted to meet you.”

Carla sat still in an oversized gray chair, trying hard not to make eye connect. The new doc seems nice and is very pretty. She has a welcoming smile and her shea butter and coconut oil scent fills the room. The large widows behind Dr. Plantu allowed the sun to hit her beautiful brown skin causing her to glow like an angel. 

“I am aware of what happened with your last doctor and I am very disappointed with how they handled the situation. Incidents like that are why, even as a psychiatrist myself, I advocate for strict guidelines on the treatment of behavioral emergencies.”

I am dreaming or something she’s nice, pretty, caring and she’s not a maniac like the so-called doctor who had me sedated for simply voicing my opinion “I know changing psychiatrists is challenging and it takes time to become comfortable enough to speak freely. I find it best when my patients tell me about themselves. I am interested in knowing the real you and helping you to achieve the kind of life you wish to live. I think it would be good for us to start from the beginning.”

“The beginning? Like when I was a kid?” 

“If that is when it all began.”

Dr. Plantu’s beauty and warm spirit made Carla feel comfortable, something she is not used to feeling. “Okay, hmm. So when I was about seven years old, my mother, brother, and I lived in this small apartment. Kinda like the one we live in now, minus my brother, but it was our first apartment. After living in shelters we were glad to finally have a place to call our own. Michael was just a baby boy then and I would go back in time just to kiss him.”

“Michael? Your brother who was killed right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“And hmm. Mother was a lot different back then. The apartment was small like I said, only a one-bedroom, small living room, and kitchen. I remember the walls and floors being old and ugly. Any-who, one day I was in the kitchen and I heard a voice say k—— yourself. I never heard that voice before and I knew it wasn’t mine. For some reason, the voice sounded very compelling. As if k—— at seven years old wasn’t a bad idea. So I took a knife that was on the counter and began the motion to stab myself in the stomach. I didn’t hurt myself but I did put pressure on the knife. I’m not sure how long I stood there with a kitchen knife held to my stomach but I didn’t go through with it. I’ve been hearing the voice ever since then. I used to hate it but now I don’t mind. I agree with it.”

“So, you’ve been hearing this voice since you were seven years old, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Is it only one voice or is it multiple voices?”

“Well, it was one voice for a while, and that one wasn’t mean to me but now I hear other voices and those are mean and they say bad things to me.”

“What do they say?”

“They say I’m ugly and stuff.”

“You don’t believe that do you?”

“I mean, I am ugly.”

“Carla, you are not ugly.”

“I am, look at my lip and my skin. I’m always the darkest person in the room.”

“Carla, your skin is beautiful, you are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what anyone or voice says about you. As your doctor, I am telling you right now that you are beautiful.”

Carla began to cry and she was immediately embraced by Dr. Plantu. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t usually cry like this.”

“It’s okay sweetie. I am here for you. You don’t have to listen to those voices you know? There are treatments we can do to take care of that.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Carla said Regrouping.

“Yes,” said Dr. Plantu as she made her way back to her chair.

“What is so wrong with wanting to d—? Can you honestly give me a real reason why it’s so bad? I just want to have an open conversation about it without going through the crisis protocol.”

“You have loved ones who care about you, and you matter in this world. You’re here for a reason.”

“Okay, so those are not real reasons why wanting to d— is wrong. We will all do—, right? If we will all d— then why can’t I on my terms? Just a conversation remember, don’t call the security guys on me.”

“I understand what you are saying but your reason for wanting to d— is because voices told you so, that isn’t a good reason to want to d—.”

“Hmm okay, snapback is strong. I like it. But all of these years I’ve pondered on that question of why it is so wrong to want to d— and I haven’t found any legitimate to why it is so said to be ‘wrong’. Especially with the fact that I’m going to d— anyway. Why do I have to wait for the universe to decide for me to d— when I can just do it whenever I am ready?”

“So you’ve just pondered on that question without making any attempts? What keeps you living every day?”

“I am not answering that first part. What keeps me right now is that I don’t want to d— as a crazy person or someone who suffered from mental health issues. I am to be known as a dignified human being. I know to be honorable and brave for taking charge of my life.”

“Wow. That is a completely different tone from the Carla who was crying a few minutes ago. Where does the bravery about d—— come from? Why don’t you use that bravery for your self-confidence and about being alive?”

“Dr. Plantu, wait a minute, my edges. Why are you coming for them?” Carla said, trying to protect her edges.

Dr. Plantu laughed, “Someone has to help you get out of the way you’ve been thinking all these years. I am not going to just allow you to not see all of your beauty and goodness that is on the inside of you.”

“I am so used to people either not listening to me or calling me crazy. I never had anyone who just listened and made valid points.”

“That is fantastic! I am here for your overall improvement. In our next appointment, we will talk about taking the necessary steps to make sure you are taking proper care of yourself, which includes loving yourself and speaking kindly to yourself, okay?”

“Wow. Okay.”