PbyCj

I asked the question – what is holding me back? What is keeping me from being all that God has created me to be? 

The Holy Spirit began to show me that I had not dealt with losing my brother. Chosen – he was murdered at the age of 18. It was such a surprise. It is still hard to believe that it happened. I was in school. I was purchasing a new home – things were going on so I suppressed instead of processing and releasing.

https://www.klfy.com/local/st-martin-parish-sheriff-detectives-identify-suspect-in-west-bridge-street-homicide/

https://www.klfy.com/local/update-suspect-wanted-for-first-degree-murder-arrested-by-st-martinville-police/

Almost five years later, I didn’t know the signs of grief that are connected to depression. I wasn’t aware that I suppressed guilt. I felt guilty for not knowing Chosen well enough. I didn’t spend that much time with him. I was in the Navy while he was growing up.

I remember going through the pictures on my phone looking for pictures of him but all I could see were pictures of me. From then, I stopped looking at myself. With understanding now, I can see and show the fingerprints of grief and depression/guilt. I had no idea at the time. 

Once I was able to see the issue of what was holding me back, I was able to speak to it. 

I am not guilty.

When I spoke to the spirit of guilt, I was released from guilt. But then, the Holy Spirit started to show me the other things that I had been holding on to – all the way from childhood. I had to acknowledge and speak to those things as well.  

Once I spoke and forgave where forgiveness was necessary – released those things. For the first time, I’m not sure how long, I was able to breathe. I didn’t know that I was suffocating all of this time.

The heart is powerful – it is like a spongy storage unit that absorbs and stores things. The heart can become sour when the wrong things get in unchecked. Proverbs 4:23 – Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.

Takeaways – what do I need to do?

1. Be self-aware. Pay attention to what I do, how I do it, and why I do what I do. Note that this is never a waste of time.
2. Learn of Him (Jesus) – Learn from Him – Matt. 11:28
   1. Come to Him (pour out my heart to Him, He is my refuge. God cares for me.
   2. He will give me rest. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from holding on to all of that stuff.
   3. Take His yoke. His way is easy with Him.
   4. Learn from Him – stay in the word.
   5. I will find rest for my soul (mind). “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:30
   6. Obey
3. Process & Release – it is okay to be open and honest with God about things that are uncomfortable to talk about.
4. Receive what God has for me to receive. God only has the best for me.

So, here I am, creating from a free space. Taking the steps to be all that God has created me to be.